Talking about dying won't make it happen

Talking about death and dying? Who would actually want to do that? It doesn't sound like it would be interesting or rewarding. It may make you feel sad. It may even make you feel frightened. Those feelings are part of being human. But once the conversation begins, it often becomes less about death and more about living well until the end, and making sure the people we love know what matters to us.

I promise that once a few questions have been asked, a conversation about death and dying can become both interesting, rewarding and, surprisingly, enjoyable.

One question leads to another. Answers spark more questions. Before long, you find yourself talking about your own wishes for the end of your life, or those of someone you love, and it doesn't feel nearly as frightening as you imagined.

Once those floodgates open, the conversation can take many different directions.

But will talking about death make it happen? No. It won't.

Will it encourage reflection, planning and perhaps a little research? Almost certainly.

Talking about death is, in many ways, talking about how we want to live, and how we want to be cared for, right until the very end.

So, to help you get started, here are a few questions to ask yourself, or someone you care about.

• What helps you feel calm when you're anxious, frightened or overwhelmed?

• Is there particular music that comforts you? The sound of birdsong or the sea? Or does silence bring you peace?

• Are there treasured objects or familiar items you'd like nearby? A favourite blanket, a well-loved cushion, a cosy cardigan or a special photograph?

• Do you have spiritual or religious beliefs? Or is there something about spirituality that you'd like to explore before you die?

• Is there someone you'd especially like to have with you? Is there anyone you'd rather wasn't there?

• Where would you like to be if you had the choice? At home? Somewhere else?

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, and your answers may change over time. That's perfectly normal. If you keep your wishes in a notebook or on your computer, you can revisit them whenever you want and update them.

It's not about having every detail planned. It's about helping the people around you understand what matters most to you.

By talking about these questions, or simply writing down your thoughts, you've already taken the first step towards talking about dying. There can be real comfort in knowing that your wishes have been heard, understood and recorded.

These conversations aren't always easy to begin, but they are deeply human. They can bring clarity, reassurance and, sometimes, a surprising sense of peace.

Because sometimes the most loving conversations are the very ones we've been avoiding.

Or perhaps today is the day to ask just one question. You never know where the conversation might lead.